My brother-in-law and I were talking this morning about my weight loss and the mindset that goes into evangelizing Paleo and getting off sugar when he brought up an interesting point: it’s okay to do so, but not to fat shame. I thought about it a lot, and I thought about the posts I’ve made here. I even re-read a few just to make sure, and I found that I haven’t fat shamed on this site with the exception of calling myself fat. This, in and of itself, is not shaming: it was a fact.

When I talk about being overweight, being fat, or being obese, I’m not doing so at the expense of anyone, nor am I judging anyone for being overweight. I’m certainly not shaming anyone for it. If someone decides that they are happy being heavy, then more power to them. My only concern is that when I was fat, other fat people confided in me how they really felt versus what they told thin people. They told me that they had no hope for ever being skinny, that giving up delicious foods was out of the question, and that they were miserable with their lack of mobility. They would tell me how hard it was to climb stairs, to play with their kids or grandchildren, and how they hated the stares and looks when eating at restaurants. Of course, when a thin person would ask (and they ask more often than you’d imagine) whether someone was okay with being large or if they would change, most answer they are perfectly fine and okay with it.

Because I used to be fat, I have a unique perspective on what it feels like to be fat, and how it feels to finally lose the weight. I remember very well how I felt in public, or when I tried to do simple tasks that any normal sized person would find effortless was for me difficult or impossible. I wouldn’t ever admit this to a non-fat person, though. They didn’t need to know. People who have been thin their entire lives will never know what it was like (and it’s not all jolly as some people would think).

I think a lot of the misperceptions thin people have about fat people comes from this deception. Us fat people don’t feel like part of normal society. Clothing stores don’t cater to us, models don’t look like us, and advertising certainly isn’t geared at us unless it’s food. People look and stare or point and whisper. I’ve seen more than a few people shake their head while looking at me when I was at my heaviest. Us fatties stick together and find solace in having other fatties around us. We take joy in giving each other food, drink, and laugh about the lack of exercise we get. It’s a point of pride, even, among us heavyset.

Now, as a not-so-fat person, for those who don’t know me well or never knew me as a fat person, I’m an outsider. I stay away from the topic of weight and health unless I’m asked. I don’t ask. I never ask. I only tell them how I felt when I was fat and how much better I feel now if they ask me first. Then, they usually volunteer to me that they are perfectly fine at the weight they are, how they can’t give up certain foods, and how they are just as healthy at their heavy weight as they would be if they were lighter. I don’t say a word; I let them talk and I don’t judge. I have no right to say anything, but I do feel empathy for them, because I know that it’s hard being fat, and that as a fat person, you feel like saying anything to a thin person about being fat would bring about insults, derision, and judgment.

If you’re fat, I don’t judge you. I don’t condemn you. I will never fat shame you. But I will help you if you want to lose weight and get your health back. I will always listen to your questions and your concerns. I will give you the best information I have and point you in the direction of finding out anything I don’t know.