As you may have noticed, I haven’t posted here in a while. I have been depressed for the past few weeks culminating in not wanting to get out of bed yesterday morning. I literally laid in bed and even pulled the covers over my head and wished I could just stay in bed forever. It’s been a long time since I actually felt depression like that. I thought about the source, and it came back to the fact that I’ve been unable to exercise and I’ve been gaining weight due to the holiday season and eating and drinking more than usual.
I could have laid in bed. I could have allowed myself to continue to wallow in that depression, as comfortable as it can be. The thing I never have seen mentioned about depression about the strange comfort the feeling has. However, I knew that I needed to snap out of it, yet I found myself frozen under my covers. I tried and tried, until finally, my legs moved, and I was able to get them out from under the covers and onto the floor. Step one was complete. The rest came much more easily, and with each successive step, it got easier.
Of course, seeing myself in the mirror only made me second-guess the decision to get up: I looked bloated. A weekend of bad food decisions left me literally bloating with water retention, and I could see it in my gut and in my face. It made me angry. And sad. And I felt the initial pangs of defeat. But I shook it off and continued with my day, determined to do some form of exercise. Something.
I worked all day thinking about it. I decided that even though my shoulder is still sore (but healing, finally), and the doctor told me no running or weightlifting, I’d ride the stationary bike in my gym. After a dentist appointment, I got home, changed into my workout clothes, and hit the bike. For 40 minutes, I pedaled and sweated while watching YouTube videos of vehicle maintenance. My legs were sore, but not as sore as I thought they’d be. I sweat a lot; more than I had in weeks. Maybe even months.
It was glorious.
After my shower, I sat in my home office at my computer, and it felt great. A huge burden was lifted off my shoulders: I was finally back in the game. I had eaten all home-made meals, and Sherry told me that everything we ate that day was even Whole30 compliant. Although I’m not on an official Whole30 right now, I’m sticking to the Whole30 principles for the foreseeable future. Sure, there will be the occasional holiday meal here and there, but otherwise, it’s 100% W30 food for me.
I need to get back to my “Fighting weight.” I need to get back into great physical condition to get through some Army schools next year. I need to recover from these stupid injuries and remember to be more careful during activities in the future. But I got through the worst of it yesterday, and I feel like I have momentum now, even if it’s just a day’s worth.
To me, the hardest part of doing anything involving delayed gratification or great effort is the first step. Yesterday morning, it was literally the very first step of the day that was the hardest for me. It took a lot of effort, but once I got through that first step, the second step came more easily. And then the third, and so on. I know how difficult it can be emotionally when you don’t look or feel the way you want to. I know it all too well. And I know how comfortable it is to not do anything while also hating the fact you’re not doing anything. But trust this: you will feel so much better when you become an active participant in your health and fitness. The sense of accomplishment for every little victory will fuel your further successes. Just remember to look for those victories all over and not just on a scale.