That’s how it feels for me. Honestly. It’s almost unnerving.
There are times I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I don’t recognize the person looking back at me. Well, I kind of do, but it’s the ghost of a person who I remember peering back at me in mirrors over 20 years ago. That person has long been gone. I thought he was dead forever.
I have security cameras at our home, and I often look through the footage to see if there is any need for concern, persons peeking into windows, etc. Sometimes, I catch glimpses that startle me; a stranger walking in our home. Upon closer examination, I find that the person is me.
My joints still have the occasional ache of a 49 year-old, but otherwise, I feel more vibrant, energetic, and able to do anything I want.
Walk up stairs without being winded? Check.
Run to the mailbox in the rain without my heart thumping out of my chest? Check.
Run after the dog while he plays with me and actually wear him out? Check.
Bend down to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath? Check.
Sit in an airliner seat with room in front of me and even on the sides of me? Check.
These things all used to be normal for me when I was young, but I thought it was age that was keeping me from them. I also thought that it was impossible for me to regain the ability to run, go up stairs, or sit in small spaces without being uncomfortable. I didn’t count on losing all this weight.
Sure, I hoped. I set my mind to it, and I did everything that I was told to do, but I didn’t expect for it to succeed. I especially didn’t expect to be able to start running regularly and that I would enjoy it, or that I would actually look forward to it. Yet here I am.
I read a lot of sci-fi, and I’ve read a few tales in which people’s brains are removed from their sick or feeble bodies and placed into younger bodies that were cloned for that sole purpose. Those people feel rejuvenated and describe many of the same things I’ve experienced. What many fail to go into are the emotional aspect of this change.
I find myself afraid a lot. Every time I eat until my body feels full, I become afraid that I will gain weight and go back to what I used to be. It’s a very palpable fear, and I hate it. I weigh myself daily, and when my weight climbs for any reason, I analyze what I did the day prior to get to that point. I work extra hard to bring it back down. Now that I’ve begun losing weight again, it’s not quite so bad, but when my rate of loss slows, I get that fear: will I get fat again without wanting to?
The logical answer is no, I will not. I am doing everything I can do avoid gaining the weight and staying fit. I know that I can’t put over 130 lbs back on over night, and since I get pretty freaked out at 2 lbs gained, the chances of me gaining more is pretty slim. But yet, the fear persists.
I also worry about something happening to me that forces me to have to eat foods that I know are harmful to me. I don’t know what would cause this to happen nor can I imagine scenarios in which this happens, but the fear is there.
I am extremely happy for my weight loss and very proud of the results I’ve achieved. I try to help anyone who asks, and I hope to be an inspiration to those who are following in my footsteps. I take this very seriously, and it actually fuels my motivation to keep strong.
I also feel so much better, that the vast majority of the time, it’s a joy to be in this new body. The experiences I’m having now would have been impossible 14 months ago. Heck, even 6 months ago! These last 4 months have been amazing, and I don’t want to give this up for anything. Yet sometimes, I feel like I’m in someone else’s body. I hope that sensation goes away at some point.